Last Monday afternoon I was quite relieved when my husband arrived home from work. Freezing rain had been falling the majority of the day and road conditions were not the
best. It was forecasted that it would start icing/sleeting about 4 - 6 am the following
morning."Of course," I said to him, "you won't actually go to work tomorrow." My husband replied, "We will see what it looks like in the morning." What?! I thought to myself. Can
he be serious? The freezing precipitation was to last about 20 to 24 hours. Starting with
ice then changing over to snow at some point. The lesser amount of ice, the greater
amount of snow. A range of .5" to 1" of ice and anywhere from 6" to 18" of snow. I wasn't
so much worried about him getting to work safely. I was worried about him being about to
get home safely.
As the evening wore on, more and more anxiety was building within me. Everyone was
going to be staying home from work (excepting emergency response and hospital staff).
Why would my husband risk his life for an office job? It didn't make sense. Even when
I was active duty in the Air Force, on days like that there was delayed reporting and
essential personnel only days. Safety first. This has been ingrained in me from a child
(being the daughter of a firefighter) through my training as a nurse and to my days in
the Air Force. Didn't everyone prioritize that way?
In the late evening, not be able to secure a definite, "Not going to work" from my
husband, I became physically sick. Was this one of the situations where one gets
a bad feeling that should be recognized as warning or was it just a overwhelming
response to fear? I struggled with this. Laying in bed, I couldn't go to sleep. I felt sick
to my stomach and had a lump in my throat. Not wanting to keep my husband awake,
I went to the family room to look at some emails. Jason came out to see if I was okay.
I told him I wasn't angry with him, I just was too upset to sleep and needed some
distraction and told him to go to sleep.
My imagination was running wild. I was imagining my life as a widow, raising two small children by myself, crying myself to sleep each night. I started crying. What was I doing?
I then picked up my Bible and read from John 15, my favorite chapter. I prayed for God's peace and then went to bed.
Why so much anxiety? Isn't God in total control? Aren't our lives in His hands? Are
not our footsteps guided by Him? Will He not provide for us in every way? Where
was my faith and trust in our wonderful God? This situation was totally out of my
control and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to trust God that He would
protect Jason, no matter what the next day brought.
The next morning, Jason woke me at 5:50 a.m. to let me know the roads were not in good condition and that he would work from home. I was so relieved. Content, I fell back to
sleep. A short hour later, he woke me again stating that people were in fact making it
into his workplace safely and he had to get going. What?! Okay, I told myself, this is
no time to argue. Just help him and trust God. Thinking ahead of the possibility that he
could get stuck at work (if we did get the foot and a half of snow), I suggested that he
take a change of clothes. He pulled out a bag, and I packed it with the change of
clothes, a pillow and toiletries. I also packed him a couple days work of food. My
man was going to be prepared. I kissed him good-bye, wondering in the back of
my mind if it would be the last time. Dramatic, I know, just being honest. He called
me when he arrived at work and I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank you, God.
I had an average morning with the kids, breakfast, playtime, lunchtime, and nap time. A
few minutes after I put the kids down from their naps, Jason called me (about 12:30) and
said that he was being sent home. My response was both relief and concern. It had been sleeting all day and had not changed over to snow yet. Road conditions were bad, but
on the upside, hardly anyone was out on the road. Jason called me (hands free, of
course) periodically, reassuring me he was safe and taking it slow. Although it took him
twice as long as usual, and he almost got stuck a couple times, he made it home without incident. To say that I was ecstatic to see him would be an understatement.
This experience revealed a weakness in me that was much bigger than I had admitted
to myself. There are areas that I trust God so completely and so fully. Why do I give in
to worry? God loves us so much and desires to give us a hope and a future. Jeremiah
29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and
not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
I am sure there will plenty of opportunities for me to exercise my growth in this area. I
can't say that I look forward to it, but I take comfort in Philippians 4:4-9:
"4Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;6do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
It is Tuesday evening and we are in the middle of an ice/snow storm that is affecting much of the midwest. I have learned a lot of myself the last 36 hours in preparing for and dealing with the effects of this storm. Mainly, that I have control issues. I think the majority of mothers would agree that in one aspect of their lives, or more, they are control freaks. I maybe one in more areas than a few. My dear husband can testify to that. I was aware it was something I needed to work on, but had no idea how much it gripped me.
Yesterday morning, I braved the freezing rain and grocery store crowds to secure items necessary for a snowed in (or iced in) week. Things such as milk, bread, drinking water, dinner fixin's. I headed straight for the milk. There were dozens of moms with small kids in the store starting with the normal produce section, so I had act quickly. I got there just in time... no gallons of my Full Circle whole milk left, but there were 3 half gallons. I snatched all three of them, and then proceeded to the bread aisle. I picked up one of the last three loaves of bread (in my favorite brand). I was on a role. After zig-zagging through the store, I was able to secure all the items I would need for the week.
Unable to find a dry cart that would hold both my children (they do have double seater carts), my oldest, who is almost 3 and a half, had to follow along, trying not to be distracted along the way. And of course, we did have to stop by the lobster tank. Anyone who knows my 3 year old knows that she doesn't walk, she bounces, like a little tigger, wherever she goes. Normally, I would have been frustrated with the constant bouncing, the hanging off my pant pockets, the purposeful stepping on the back of my heels, the repeated misdirection, but instead, I just took a deep breath and let it go. She's three and she is full of energy, so she bounces. Deal with it, I said to myself. Instead of sighing out of frustration, I giggled at how joyful she is. God was telling my to chill out. Okay, I can do that. I let her help me put the groceries onto the conveyer belt at the checkout and let her help me put the groceries away at home. She had a great time because loves to help me.
What do I take away from this? I do need to relax more and let go. Let go and let God seems so cliche, but it is necessary in our walk with God. We need to trust Him completely, from the smallest frustrations, to the much bigger problems that arise. I was proud of myself for growing in this little way yesterday. Taking a deep breath and letting my little one be herself felt so good. Little did I know how much more I would be tested in my trust in God that very evening and into the next day (today). This bigger test would prove to be extremely difficult and will be in Part 2, next post.
Fun mom tip: how to entertain a hungry toddler in the last 5 minutes dinner is in the oven. Perform head, shoulder, knees and toes, pointing to body parts as you go. Your toddler will love it and learn body parts in the process. Big plus - mini workout for you (reaching down to toes). :)
It's the early afternoon. The kids are finally asleep for their afternoon nap. Now, what to do with the couple hours I have to myself. Today, I decided on Bible reading. I am attempting to follow my church's reading plan for the year. I'm focusing on the book of Genesis. I am surprised at how deceitful some of the people were, people chosen to be used by God. Isaac and Rebecca were deeply in love, but Rebecca helped her son Jacob steel his brother Esau's blessing. And this is after Jacob had already demanded Esau to sell him his birthright for a bowl of stew. Isaac and Rebecca also had favorites between their kids (big no no in my book). These people seem like they were a mess, but God used them to become a great nation and through them Jesus Christ our savior came into the world.
It is encouraging to me to read of God's faithfulness despite human shortcomings. As much of a mess as we may be at times, God is faithful to meet us where we are. If we offer ourselves to Him, willing to obey no matter the price, He will use us, and we can have great impact in the world around us. God is not looking for perfect people to serve Him, just obedient people. How do we know what He wants us to do? In Matthew 22:37, Jesus says the most important thing we can do is to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind. Then secondly to love others as ourselves. The latter is sometimes the most difficult, but has the most profound impact on those around us. When you show true kindness and God's love to people, especially those who have wronged you, the gospel is preached without even saying a word. Of course it is hardest to do this with those we know the best, our spouse or a family member.
As I finish out this week I will continue to be thankful that God loves me as I am, shortcomings and all, and that He can use me even when I think I am unusable. I will endeavor to walk in love with those around me, especially my dear husband and children, being thankful that God has given them to me. I will try to be obedient to God each day, and if it is to simply take care of my family and to walk in love with all those around me, I'll do it. I may impact many along the way without even realizing it. Love God. Love people. :)
Interesting side note in reading through Genesis, I did some math, and if I calculated correctly, Methuselah, who lived 969 years, died the year of the flood. So my question is, did he die in the flood or of natural causes in the weeks or months before. I guess we'll never know. What do you think?
As a wife and mother, I often find myself struggling to keep up with all that is expected of me throughout the day. My adorable children expect me to be fun and fair, nurture them, and love them unconditionally. My wonderful husband has expectations of me too. The house should be somewhat not a wreck, some type of plan for dinner, the children should be taken care of, explanation of the origin of any crankiness (from me), and love him unconditionally as well. Basic stuff. Oh, yes, and bring home what I call "bacon bits." Working part time on the weekends at a local hospital, I don't exactly bring home the bacon, just bacon bits, but every little bit helps. Of course, I have expectations of myself too. One is to get a shower (never guaranteed when you have a 3 year old and 14 month old). That goal thankfully, is almost always accomplished. Other expectations I have for myself are to get some housework done, read my Bible, have some prayer time, reach out to the outside world (thank you facebook), work on writing (aspiring children's book author) and not go crazy in the process.
With so many things to do and roles to be, how can I possibly do it all? I am comforted by conversations I have with many other mothers who confess to the same struggles. It's a true challenge trying to be the best wife and mom one can be. So many mothers are trying to achieve perfection. I gave up on that a long time ago. We can't be perfect. We are human. This is not an attempt to make an excuse of why I didn't get that load of laundry done. It's just an explanation of the facts.
Instead of perfection, I propose balance. Let's be real with ourselves at set reasonable goals for each day. Example: looking at all the laundry or all the bathrooms you have to clean can be daunting. Set a goal in a day that you will: get one load of laundry done, do the dishes (as many times as necessary), continue raising your children as the Bible says, read at least one chapter in your Bible, spend at least 5 minutes in prayer. This is doable. Of course, we must also rely on God for His help throughout our day. Even the most simple of lists can be impossible given the right set of circumstances. How do we find true balance in our lives? God is the answer. 2 Corinthians 12:9:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
